She is…

Whispers of venomous words may be traded between equally toxic snakes behind her back, but their venom isn’t strong enough to defeat her cure. She rises to any occasion to shine brighter than those who want to scratch at her to make her dull. She bulldozes anyone who tries to take one foot and place it on top of her to wipe that shit they tracked through on her before getting into her mind’s door.

When a rose points out how she is a mere daffodil, she reminds that rose that there are some places where roses are nothing but weeds. In a land of Medusa’s putting on masks of toxic chemicals and lies to look like goddesses, she seems like nothing but a pebble in the dirt. Only those worthy will realize she’s a sapphire gem with some dirt and mud on top.

She is confident in who she is and what she is. She takes pride in her intelligence and beaming personality, for she knows in the end we all wrinkle and youth will be nothing but written words on past chapters in our lives. She does not worry about popularity or fame. She realizes that it’s just a fickle thing that’s as permanent as youth. Instead she worries about the impact she makes on those around her. She realizes perfection is an impossibility and even some of the worst people had amazing qualities about them. A positive mind is new to her, but it’s something she sees as a gift and she treasures it to no end.

… And It Eats Me Alive

Like the venom from a Recluse injected into my very soul, the memory of you eats away at me leaving nothing but a gap of what once was. Happy memories of you come as sharp knives to my chest, stabbing me over and over until I collapse under the pain. Huddled in a corner tucked away in my mind, I cry like the savagely beaten child I tried to leave in the past.

The blame of what you’ve done that you’ve tried to lay on other people won’t take this torture away. I’m not a child anymore, and I’m not as easily fooled. I know why I was abused by someone now, and it wasn’t because of why you said it was. They were sick. Sick like me. Like me, you tarnished their reputation because it was so easy to do. All you had to do was lightly whisper about my mental issues to someone, they would blindly nod and walk away.

People tell me to leave it in the past, and that would be easy if the past I didn’t create wouldn’t come back to haunt me later. That would be easy if the impression I didn’t make on people about myself didn’t still stick to them like glue. That would be easy if their habit of doing this was broken… And it eats me alive.

 

Why I Started Streaming… Any My Goals for My Stream

I lightly covered what my goals were on Twitch in another blog post of mine, but I didn’t go into great detail. I guess I’ll do that in this post.

I want to make a positive impact on the gaming community if I can ever get popular enough. One of my heroes in the gaming community is Boogie2988. I want to be trusted in my opinions and reviews of games like I trust him in his. I want to build a community that isn’t toxic, willing to help people, and welcome new people of all kinds to gaming.

I also want to take three months out of the year (November, December, and January) to do a “charityathon” I guess you could call it. For those three months everything I make in donations will go to Soldiers’ Angels. I’ve been a member since 2008. They do many things for vets, deployed soldiers, and soldier’s families. I send letters, gifts, and care packages to soldiers who would otherwise not get anything. Soldiers’ Angels does much more than that. I find that writing letters is one of the easier things to do. If you are interested follow this link http://soldiersangels.org/Landing-page-letters-for-soldiers.html and it will take you to where you need to go to get started.

I chose November, December, and January because those months can be the busiest months for Soldiers’ Angels and donations are needed a little more around that time. They’re a non-profit organization so they run off of donations. I chose Soldiers’ Angels not just because I’m a part of it, but because Soldiers’ Angels doesn’t really have much publicity outside of platforms that already have a focus on the military. I figured the more people who know about Soldiers’ Angels the more people can help.

Another thing I’ve noticed about Twitch in the past 3 -4 years is very few “big streamers” host/raid smaller streamers. I’ve noticed the same names and faces on the top of stream lists on Twitch for a long time. I want to be that one popular streamer to break that “rule”. I want to host those small streamers who stream for hours and hours and never get a single person in their stream, but never give up. I want to raid those streamers who are on the verge of giving up because they think what’s the point. I want to be that one “big streamer” who reminds the little guys that it is possible. I want to be that “big streamer” who isn’t as worried about my “popular run” on twitch as I am worried about getting good streamers known in the community too, and ultimately growing Twitch’s community in general.

I know… I have big dreams and goals for Twitch… But I like to think it’s possible until proven else wise.

 

 

Friends on Twitch

I stream on Twitch and I’ve been around on Twitch for quite some time. I’m careful on who I call friends on Twitch. Mainly because I watched a group of people about three years ago fall apart. They built their communities off each other, only raided and helped each other out, and only for the soul benefit of keeping views. There were only a few who actually considered each other friends. The rest was in it for the money and popularity.

I don’t want to be that kind of streamer. I don’t mind taking the long way there. I don’t expect anyone to help me ever. If someone does help me I try to do my best to pay them back the best that I can. I just want to make sure friendships that I make on Twitch are actually friendships and not business partner relationships. I hate the idea of that.

A lot of people think this internet fame they get is going to last forever, and it’s not. You’ll be lucky if you can last more than five years if you built everything off of other people. Even if you didn’t build everything off of someone else, it’s still not going to last forever. What can last forever is the impression you make on some people. The friendships that you make with people. The stories you write on your journey that will live with you forever.

I don’t want to look back on this journey on Twitch and have sour feelings for any reason. I want to look back after having my fifteen minuets and remember the small streamers I made smile after raiding them. The charities I raised money for. The things I made a positive impact on. I don’t want to remember feuds, drama, and leave behind a toxic community. I want to make a positive impact on people and the gaming community.

 

 

There’s Got to be Something Wrong With Me!

Before I disclose why there must be something wrong with me I must tell you how much my camera means to me.

The fact that my camera was well over $300 dollars doesn’t really matter to me when it comes to the “resale value”. It does matter to me in the way that I could never afford to replace my camera. It was also a gift from my mom, and in her own way it was to show me she supports my love for photography. So there’s a lot of meaning to this camera for me. Now, why I think there’s something wrong with me.

It was about a week or so ago that my husband took me out on a date. I have a habit on taking my camera everywhere. You never know what you’ll come across and when you’ll have a good chance at an amazing picture.

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For example, the picture above I took when I was with my mom. This picture is not edited at all, and there isn’t a filter added to it. This is what the sky really looked like that evening. This, in my opinion, is a once in a lifetime chance kind of picture.

Anyway, I bring my camera with me on our date. We went out to eat and did a few other things. It wasn’t until 2 hours after going out to eat that I went to look for my camera and it wasn’t there. I think the last time my heart dropped like that was when I was a kid in elementary school and the principle told me he was calling my mom because I got into a fight. The place we went out to eat was very, very busy, and I was sure someone took it. I was more sure someone took it when I called where we ate and they said they hadn’t had a camera turned in, and hadn’t found one. I was sure I lost my camera forever.

I remembered going back to the house to change my clothes seeing as it was hotter outside than what I thought it was going to be, but for the life of me I could not remember having my camera with me. As my husband cut our date short and headed home because of how worried I was that I had lost my camera forever, I began to cry.

The first thing that went through my head was that my mom was going to be so angry at me. She’s not a wealthy woman by far, and she spent a lot of money on that camera so I could try to make money off of my photography. Then I thought about how I would never be able to replace that camera, and it was the best camera I had ever owned in my life.

As we pulled up to the apartment I quietly walked up to our door, readying myself for the worst. When I got into the apartment I walked right over to the one place I always put my camera and it wasn’t there. I almost cried before I remembered I was in the bathroom right before I left. I broke out in tears when I saw my glorious red camera sitting right there on the bathroom sink counter. I thought I would never do something like that again… I was wrong… And the second time would be worse.

 

Yesterday I went to the mall to walk around. I just wanted to get out of the house. I ended up going to Barnes and Noble (one of my favorite places) to look around to see if there was a book I wanted. Right before leaving I went to their Starbucks and got something to drink. I sat my camera down on the counter so I could pay for my drink. I gather all of my belongings (or so I thought) and left.

It wasn’t until I caught the last bus running to the bus station down town, called my mom, talked to her for a bit, and went to grab for my camera because I was going to take pictures seeing as I was going to be there for a while when I realized… I didn’t have it.

Instantly I knew where I left it and my mom was in the middle of telling me something when I said, “Oh my god. Did I really do that again?” 

As I checked my backpack confirming that yes, I had left it somewhere again, my mom asked me what was wrong. I instantly broke down and started crying. The sympathy in my mom’s voice was kind of comforting because I expected her to be very angry. She told me to call Barnes and Noble right away. The thing about that was my phone was is a $10 phone that has really crappy internet that doesn’t work 99% of the time… That was one of those 99%. I told my mom and she looked up the number and texted it to me. I called them so sure that someone had taken it, but I was wrong. Someone turned it in almost right after I had left. The manager had even put it in a very safe place in the back for me until I go there to pick it up. I was very lucky.

Now, why is there something wrong with me? Because my memory is going. Three years ago I would never have issues like this remembering something as important as my camera. Now, I’m forgetting it left and right. I can’t even remember to make appointments within a 24 hour time span. So yes… I think there’s something very wrong.

New Family Members

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Today my husband got me two new babies. They are mice. Their names are Anubis (the grey, blakc, and white one) and Stamer (the red one).

Stamer is the hyper, energetic, adventurous one. The who time we were driving home he tried to get out of the box. I ended up having to take him out and have him walk all over my shoulder.

Anubis is the calm, quiet, shy one who eats way too much. He’s the one that will cuddle you once he’s warmed up to you. He’s also the one that’s obsessed with the nesting stuff I put in the cage, where Stamer likes the bedding.

I gave Anubis his name because I love the anchient Egyptian god, Anubis. That’s pretty much it when it comes to him. Stamer got his name because a friend of both my husband and I has red hair and his name is Stamer. I haven’t told him I have named my mouse after him yet. When I chose not to name my rat Master Chief after him because I thought it would be weird, he said he would have thought it was awesome… So I’m sure he won’t have a problem with this.